I know all the techincal terms

In realation to my last blog, I survived the family party. Well part one of two. With not too many injuries and not too many screaming children as they were all stuffing their faces full of food and other such whatnot.

In my times here at the library I manage to create some pretty funny stuff. Like how boring it can be, or how the person in the back often laughs and talks to himself. People are werid, why I want to work with them I may never know.

So here I am sitting at work, reading, with nothing real exciting happening. Exept me blogging, or at least a vain attempt to. Here is small list-y-do with things you shouldn't be caught saying:

1. "I don't think that is supposed to be on the road."
2. "Is that a guy? Or a girl?"
3. "That isn't supposed to be there, but it's totally out of place in my house, maybe it can be a table of some sort."
4. "Did I shave today?"
5. "Is there supposed to be chunks in this?"
6. "Your jello salad looks... jello-y."

I am not entirely sure where this was going, so this blog is going to be filed under the "not totally strung together random thoughts and list-y-dos"...

And the 3 wise guys visted the little baby WalMart and said let there be capitalism!

In all essence of the holiday spirit, I have none. Zip zilch none. Maybe that is why my blogs have been so... infrequent, my passively venting frustration has gone into actual people, instead of my readers (not saying you aren't people, but you don't have to bear the brunt of it).

I hate snow, it makes things all cold and makes my shoes wet which makes my socks wet, which in turn makes my feet cold, cold feet are ALMOST as bad as waking me up from a nap in a not so gentle Mr. Rodgers sweater vest-y way. Not to mention it's hard to drive in, not the sweater vest, the snow, I know I kinda strayed away from the subject, to say the least it's bound to happen. Mostly sooner than later though.

In my grumpings and griping about the holiday season and how only the sane people must shop online I have not forgotten my dear readers, who love to hear about how much I want to deck this person, or how much I wish it rained tomato soup (well it's funny isn't it?). I have to say that shopping online makes it more present-y everyday. Because of the large packages that appear the door step with YOUR name on it, brought to you by none other than the UPS person. I like our UPS person, I have an affinity for people who handle my packages well. The answer is yes I giggled just a little bit there. Although I have noticed they traded in the regular short brown shorts for long brown trousers and over coats, at least they stuck with the same color right?

At the risk of defiling my blog of it's very correctness I have avoided such terms as, Christmas, Hanaka, Kwanza, St. Nicholas Day, Bert and Ernie Day. Well you get the point. I myself have tried to say Happy Holidays to people as to not upset them if they believe in something different. However in modern day America it's kind of hard to believe we don't call this holiday "shop-till-our-wallets-are-empty-and-the-loan-sharks-are-coming day." This is the day when WalMart was born in a manager or something like that, we have lost the true meaning of the holidays. Do people know this... no.... am I going to force them to know this... not really.

Things you may have missed out on by me not blogging:

• Me almost decking a patron for smack talking my job.
• My brother trading paint with a PT cruiser in my car and my telling him to gun it.
• How soft and loving I can be when people don't take their pills.
• How some people don't understand my sarcasm and take me seriously, honestly people I know you can sense it, just feel the force.
• Me deciding it is time to clean my room, told myself today is the day, for two weeks, and napping instead of doing it. Eh I'm 21 what can I say, not like I am going to have home and garden inspection people after me.
• More moaning and groaning about the holiday season.
• I have offically changed the word, "child" to "100 calorie pack" because honestly there isn't much to em and they usually come in clumps (well out here they come in small freights, but that's another blog) so I mean hungry? Need a snack? There ya go. (By no means does my blog support cannibalism or abduction of children to be used as 100 calorie packs)

Before I am done complaining my way through yet another night of work, by holding the chair down and sitting here talking into the fan so I sound like Darth Vader, I have one more thing to go on and on about. PARTIES... most of all... Family parties.

My mother feels she has to throw a family party every year for my step things children and parents. These mostly involve me cleaning, cleaning, wishing I was dead, cleaning some more and then feeling guilty I had to retreat to my room because the 100 calorie packs had somehow run into a chair and hurt their heads. Drama. That's what these 100 calorie packs are.. drama.. Anyways. So she invites my step dads 5 kids, plus their young children plus his parents. (And it seems like we always end up with a few looters and hobos too) And then I am on the spot to assist her. Wouldn't be bad cept did you see that list of people I just mentioned? That is like most of Idaho Falls!

Every year there are a few things that happen, without fail:

• Step dad ends up injured (in this years case he is already there! So that's one check already down!)
• The "walking farts" are brought by his mother to the house, she seems to be quite unaware that these are happening.
• Children run in fright when they see me and I make no effort what-so-ever to make contact with them.
• My ability to hide is about as good as an elephant playing hide and go seek with the sun, doesn't happen.

However this year promises some new stuff on the horizon!!

• Step Grandma got her teeth pulled and fitted for dentures... That's a good thing, as long as you aren't the one cleaning up grandma goo.
• There have been like 20 child births (I know that would be 4 births per child but hell it feels like it) so more crying, screaming things that I want nothing to do with (maybe this one should go up in the "count on this happening" category as it happens every 9 months.)
• Kyle (my step whatchamacallit) went in for surgury sometime last week, and he has to use crutches. It's safe to say that he might be more useful now that we can track him by the clunk clunk of his crutches. (Most years he tries to hide by doing something only he could see as important, like painting the outhouse, breeding a buffalo ya know just the usual stuff people have to get done before the party.)

I have tried time and time again to get out of these parties but when they are held at my house it's a "you gotta come home sometime" kind of ordeal, meaning I have to shower and shave and eventually eat, and if I want to get any of that done it means being barracaded by vaccums and mops and no escape in sight! If I didn't love my mother I wouldn't support her with these adventures, but seeing as she is stuck with the obligation or the feeling of one, I will help.

This is just one of two family parties that I am sorry to say I don't want to attend the other is happening after Christmas on the 27th. This one has nothing to do with the people who will be there (of whom I all love and care for) it's just the fact that well too many attached memories and I usually end up doing something on my own, as nobody is even close to my age. Or not like I fit into any of the groups anymore, again kinda wish I could wriggle outta that one, but I know that's not happening either. So it is time to "fasten those seat-belts" and well... grab life by the buffalo horns and just see where it goes.

And so ends my wonderful gripe about the holidays. I feel I have almost written a whole book for those who even bother to read this to enjoy. I hope it was filled with the humor and wit I know you have grown to love. I could use the comments to keep going, so if you read it, comment, as I have only like 2 motivators to keep me writing these things.

At any rate.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

It's short, it's golden, and includes fried bread!

In my defence I have not been ignoring you all, life has just been like a toaster turned up to char broiled, or maybe deep fried. Hmm deep fried toast... now that has a catch to it, NOBODY take it, that is my idea and I will someday be the founder of deep fried toast, next best thing to sliced bread! Honestly, a heart attack in a bag. I would have to think of a nifty name, such as WonderFried Bread, and instead of tiny little colored circles on the package I can make tiny little hearts! Packaging and idea, check and check wow this is the only list I have managed to complete since I was last writing a blog!

Have you ever sat and watched Golden Girls bloopers and thought to yourself "This show is like dy-no-MITE!" Well maybe with less pauses and stuff but still, everybody should at least see the show once or twice just to know what in the world I am talking about.

And I am sorry to say that although this blog was short I will be thinking about you (my readers) throughout the day and possibly come back with some more witty reparte or something.

The copy machine ate my arm!

Well not really but it is making a noise like my tummy makes when it is hungry. For the past 2 weeks and since my boss left we have had the most trouble with this stupid machine. My coworker and I have come up with many ideas on how it could "accidently" disappear.

• Push it off the landing into the snake river
• "Cash for clunkers"
• Offer it to patrons for free
• Take it for a walk with a leash and tie to a tree and forget about it
• Take it for a ride in a truck...... to the dump.....
• "spill" coffee in it

Just to name a few, we will keep working on this list. So far the first one up there is the best choice as it has wheels and can easily be... pushed.. off the ledge hahaha but we do have camera that would see us doing it and I am sure that our jobs would not be safe from that... But the copier would be gone wouldn't it?

I can just see it now. Corpse of copier found in the snake river. CSI Idaho Falls claims it to have been there for a few weeks as it had some rust on it and they cut it open and found out the age by how many rings it had... No finger prints found and no murder weapon.... That would make a great TV show..

I couldn't think of a name so here you go!

Wow, I am a year older, hard to believe you could be older than dirt and here I am! At least that is how I feel. Not always just most days. Have to say this 21st birthday of mine has been quite bittersweet if I dare to say it. It wasn't like a toilet running away with my pants or anything but maybe the sink.

Thursday- I get off WoW and see that a friend of mine is moving and that a comment said he was moving here. I flew into full on mother hen mode, made lists and all that fun stuff, NO SLEEP, but what else is new right?

Friday- After FINALLY falling asleep at 2am then getting up at 6am I begin to have possibly one of the best days ever. I sang in my car extra loud and even did extra super dancing. I am sure it was a sight, or a blindness depending on how "white" my dance skills are. Got to have cake with my friends at school and got a very lovely scarf and cane (inside joke) from my co-worker Nelle. Then it just kinda went downhill haha. Found out my friend wasn't going to come here after all. Keep in mind NO SLEEP. So I am like a taco without a shell, kinda meaty and ground up in a blender. Taco smoothie just without the tortilla.

Saturday- Drive to work, change my Voice mail thing to say something about my birthday and how I had to work but would return a phone call later. Sat at work. Did work stuff. Then went out to eat with my other family at Red Robin, night was going great but then kinda slid downhill when a friend I decided to txt got mad... See he is a close friend and I hadn't talked to him in a long time and so I wanted to make sure he knew I wasn't mad and that I hoped he hadn't forgotten my bday well... he got mad... so that kinda put a downer on my night too.

However after all this I still had a kickin' birthday and I wouldn't change it really. I was so happy Friday that I was glowing and I was just yeah. Can't say so glow-worm like Saturday and today but I guess I just need more double A's. Anybody got any I can borrow? Well I don't plan to give them back so how about just take off your hands permanently. I should be doing something other writing this rather humor-less blog, but I can't bring myself to think of anything fun of wit. Couldn't be that I was up till 2am playing WoW... oh yeah that would be it, I am tired! Pooped! And whatever else it that I am supposed to use for tired!

In this one I make an astronomy reference

So I was in the kitchen making me some tomato soup. Which is my comfort food, although full of sodium and making me all thirsty and stuff, it is still very good. So my step father whatever he is, phone rings, and it scares the living crapola out of me. To start with thats a hard task, but alas it is bound to happen, now there is a living piece of crap on the floor. Again not my idea of fun, ever been chased by one of those? ANYWAYS his phone starts to ring and it is playing "Another one bites the dust", it is his daughter.......

Does anybody besides me read into that? Just a little? Like a smidgen? And so I go ahead and say, I will blog about that, because she isn't the most... erm... well... hmm... anyways it is fitting. So I start to watch my Law and Order SVU and I hear Stabler say:

"Another one bites the dust"

Ummmmm... Coincidence? Not in a million parsecs.

Just thought that would come in handy as a character reference or something. Also it bothers me when those who are on work release from prison don't tell me till they need their paper signed. Shouldn't I have been watching you closer? GAH!

If you thought that last one was funny...

So far this week I have posted one blog this is beginning to look like my second blog of the week, or third, I don't actaully remember if I blogged more than just once or what. So anyways...

If you drive around and look for stuff, you are bound to find something. I know an overly broad statement but it still covers the general area, like a hospital gown, covers general areas, while sometimes leaving other areas.... flapping in the wind?

I found this sign while out and about doing stuff:



I like the funny, I am in love with the funny, I would marry the funny if funny weren't a glowing gas station sign. I am not entirely sure why I would want to stop the "RoadRunner Pit Stop" because isn't there a coyote stalking that roadrunner? Or something? And I have to give kudos to the poor lacky who put the sign up, that is like giving your boss the middle finger! Or something similar meaning vulgar stuff. Not only that but look at that humor in DIESEL 2.89 that my friends is a knee slapper. Oh wait... that's not a joke that is the price of diesel gas.. Well damn there goes my funny repitore of jokes about 2.89 out the window.



So within the past week or so, I dumped the GF, I took the chickens way out and did it through txt but I couldn't be happier! Other than that, thats all that has really happened, other than me still thinking about going to Arizona to visit my friend:



James. I am in dire need of a holiday and winter time in Arizona is like spring time anywhere else in the world. I think... And James is by far one of the most fun people to be with ;). But yes, time for a trip I would suspect.

Oh and I think I want to get something pierced, ears? Lip? Eye brow? Any above the waist ideas? haha. Just lookin' for some input here people, nothing out of the ordinary. I doubt I will do it but I am looking to see what you my readers think! haha

Eh, nothin' new

Today's blog is all about the smell n' speak. No not the speak and spell but the smell n' speak.

This product has the ability to smell anything and then tell you about it. Here is an example:

Scenario 1:

*Young teenage boy comes walking past the smell n' speak*

smell n' speak: "That young person has Body Odor, please inform them that deodorant has been invented"

Scenario 2:

*Sitting around chilling with friends*

smell n' speak: "I smell a traitor, the person to your left is a backstabber! QUICK pour coffee on them"

REVOLUTIONARY! I mean honestly who wouldn't want one of these things. For the fridge, car, bathroom, husband, work, graveyard, meat packing plant. Honestly this product will be the best known to man kind since sliced bread.

Well okay now that I have that out of my system, today I got to school and pulling into the parking lot and said "oh an apache helicopter, eh nothin' out of the ordinary" Why is it that I have become immune to the not so mundane? I mean I would prolly say "oh thats a man eating giant zombie brain, eh nothin' new" I think it is time for another sabbatical to Arizona to see my lover. Am I right? Who wants to give me money to go? Or at least to fly my love up here? Takers? Can anybody who reads these even fly? Just thought I would make a quick blog to advertise my stuff haha. Now off to go find something... well... okay... can't really think of it but I think it will be fun. Like reading or taking over the world.

So you think I forgot you...

Hello blog follower! I mean followers! I haven't forgot my dear readers in fact I haven't forgot anything, okay well that's a lie.. where am I? Anyways. Nothing really exciting or fun has been going on lately and I haven't had the spirit of humor with me. But I feel it coming back to me now. Like a bad 80's song, or like heartburn from cheese its. Or bell bottom pants. Anyways

So as I was... well going to the bathroom the other I was looking around because I was bored, and happened to notice something a little bit out of the ordinary.

This is a stall, in the men's room. And it has TWO count em TWO hold-y bar things. All the bathrooms in the building only have one of these transfer hold-y bars. I have to say this would make it more convenient to maneuver yourself from wheel chair to toilet or walker to toilet or whatever, but they also make for great leverage devices! You can hold on and go and it makes life so much easier! Not to say this blog is going down the shitter but come on people I have to find funny stuff to share!

Also these new toilets in just ONE bathroom are the special self flushing kind. Now keep in mind, that means they flush when you stand up scaring the shit of you, therefore making the bathroom a scary place to be.. I always jump when I stand up and begin to refasten my belt because I am used to flushing myself, well.. not me myself but me pushing the handle down. Also another note to keep in mind, men are gross. I would know, I am one. Flushing is not the repertoire of things men do. (Most men..) And when using the toilet as a urinal it doesn't sense you standing there... so... it doesn't flush... so 8 guys later the bathroom looks disgusting. Same goes for the not self flushing bathrooms but that is another blog.

Okay. So once a week I go get me a $5 pizza and eat it. While out going to get said pizza I ran across the following sign.

The sign reads "Fokus = wanna be kul?"

I myself have always want to be kul. Like it is the top goal I have and want to complete ASAP. I am not sure what the sign belongs to. The store underneath the sign is vacant, next door is a dollar store and on the other side is Tuesday Morning... Not entirely sure what a Fokus is. I would guess some kind of clothing company. Or maybe this is where they sell lives! I have always wanted one of those! Too bad they are so hard to find and are expensive! I know right? But alas I may never know what a Fokus is and therefore I will never be kul. That is kind of a depressing thought.

Rather pick flowers instead of fights... or noses.

• So the past couple of weeks have been interesting.... to say the least. I have done the following:
• Diagnosed with a double ear infection
• Passed my Abnormal Psychology class
• Got a stalker
• Eaten at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries
• Began to meditate
• Thought about the meaning of life

That last one there is just kind of a constant thing. So I pretty much got myself a stalker. HONESTLY a library student worker gets a stalker. I always wanted one... however the grass isn't so much green on the other side. So I took this chicka out to eat because me being me was like "Oh lets make sure I am gay" that was totally stupid of me. Now I have basically in essence a girlfriend that... well... words cannot describe. I don't want to break her heart but I have got to. Lets think of ways to get rid of a stalker!

• Fart like a cow in front of her while she is holding your hand
• Do the "pull my finger" joke
• Think of ways to include Paint Chips into Fish and Chips
• Re-think paint chip idea because nobody likes fish
• Consider becoming a cannibal for day. Like for Halloween or Christmas!
• Angry cow disease. A lot like mad cow only more angry
• Make a blog posting about dogs anus's
• Think blowtorch and fireworks

Okay I think I got just a little carried away. Honestly I don't know what I am supposed to do, she borrowed some books and she is a little attached. I am usually the one attached to people. Honestly it's like the table has been turned! Just a little quick update now I am going to go look into a nap and think haha.

• 
  

Celebrate.... Or something like that.

So yesterday I spend the whole day dealing with middle school ethnic teens. We did a "Celebrate Your Future" event (CYF) and they came and visited the college and did fun stuff all day. Hate to say it, but I hope they had fun, because someone needed to have fun for me.

It isn't good when you find yourself saying the following:

• Why am I here?
• I wonder if any of those old fashioned glazed donuts are still there
• I think I just ate all the old fashioned glazed donuts
• Oh was that a person I just ran over?
• Can we take a break yet?
• Is 40 scoops of lemonade mix enough?
• Is there anything in this lemonade mix to get me through this event?
• If not isn't there some stashed away somewhere?
• Are there still donuts left?

I think all of those ran through my head at some point during this event. And I didn't even have to do much of anything! Besides hand out the chips with my gloved hands. AFTER joking with my boss that we both looked like we were about to give protocology exams (might have been more fun? Well for one of us).

This week has been crazy with signs. No not the kind of God but the kind from like speed limit signs to gas station signs. Those are like God aren't they?
I was driving (too fast to take a picture, I tried) and saw the coolest sign at a gas station
"They told me to change the sign so I did" I laughed and laughed. I think I may have snorted a few times too! Also my dearest mother decided that Iona (a small city near Idaho Falls, with like 2 people living in it) had moved their street signs around to screw with peoples minds. Oh did I tell you there was a cop sitting by this "moved sign"? We had to drive past later that day to make sure that no signs had moved. She swore up and down and left and right that the signs had moved... Whatever she is on she is not sharing, that sounds like one wicked ride!

Did I just fail at pretending to be a druggie? What is the hip thing to say these days? "Hey man you got some stouffers? I need to get baked" Besides from just laughing at my own joke I am sure I got some kind of a response from you all too.

Well I think this blog is long enough, maybe something funny will happen today and I can write more about it. I am off to sit here and get paid to make sure this chair doesn't run away. Ah the life in the library!

Also I found this for your eating pleasure. Please let me know how it tastes

SPAM VEGGIE PITA POCKETS

1 cn SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
1 c Chopped broccoli
1 c Chopped cauliflower
1 Tomato, chopped
1 Carrot, peeled and chopped
1/3 c Chopped cucumber
1/3 c Finely chopped onion
1/2 c Italian salad dressing
4 Pita pocket breads, halved

STATE FAIR RECIPE Carol Green, Austin, MN.
In bowl, combine SPAM, broccoli, cauliflower, tomato, carrot, cucumber, and onion. Toss with dressing. Cover and chill several hours. Spoon salad mixture into pocket bread.

I think you would come in handy....

So over the past week I have been on a self discovery mission.. Well my girl friend has helped me on said mission in discovering things. Oh look a pineapple. Anyways. I have decided that the following are things I have discovered:

• Lists are good, I like the bullet point, it's like shooting the screen with a paintball
• Never touch the neck, it is valuable realestate like Beverly Hills, CA. Touch it and I take out your teeth, with a spoon.
• I do fear closed spaces, you can't even get that with a girl on top of you, and you break out into a cold sweat and it's less make-y out-y and more thinking "Oh my god is this over yet"
• You should never eat chili or vegetables before going on a date, BAD IDEA.
• I need coaching, I am going to lay there like a sack of potatoes till I get an order, or a cue. I am a follower, by no means do I want to lead, if I lead we end up like lemmings falling off a cliff somewhere in South Dakota. But don't push too hard or I might wish I was a lemming in South Dakota.
• Phone calls are NOT my strong suit, I much prefer texting. I don't like phone calls, I can't have multiple calls at once... I can txt multiple people at once though.
• If you come to college, PLEASE DO NOT WRITE "cuz" in your papers. It makes my bosses wish they were dead. Or dying. Or more or less inable to teach..
• When I begin to say "I think I better go to bed" or "I should take you back now" it means I am mostly finished and am either A) tired B) I don't feel so great C) I am overheated D) Need a good glass of water or potty break.
• What is this list about again? I think I may have lost my point.. or direction... or something

Well even though it was a short blog, heh quickie, it still managed to get the point across. Not that this blog was about global warming or something really important but yeah. So go eat some chicken soup!

If they come a-knockin' you best be....

Today I am going to write a blog about people and things you don't want showing up on your door step.

• Lumpy Gravy- honestly who hasn't tried to make gravy and it kind of turns in something resembling oatmeal or cement? Sometimes it's just the best you can do
• If it's dieting season you don't want Ben and Jerry to come-a-knocking. They have a habit of "sticking" around for far too long, although not as chatty as Aunt Jamima.
• A ragtag gang of teenagers hungry for leftovers and whatever else in the pantry. "Can I have one of those ancient cookies that you found in the pryamids with that mummy of King Tut Tut?"
• Dead gazelles, as they are pretty useless.
• Aliens from Pluto, they may run up your A/C bill, and by run up I mean you would have to foreclose on your home and owe the government lots of money, and by lots of money, means you would get another visitor:
• Debt collectors, 'nouff said
• Life size Dora The Explorer, I am pretty sure even the cartoon versions is all scary and the backpack she wears eats stuff..... And by stuff I am pretty sure this going down a route my blog isn't ready for yet.
• Assassins- Pretty damn sure this one speaks for itself, honestly. I have threatened to send my library assassins after people who don't turn in books on time. I don't think we have had a successful hit yet.
• Your friendly neighborhood dentist who is a few picnics short of a sandwich. Unless he brings the happy gas again, then the party is on.
• Someone who wants to use your bathroom- these people prey on the nice people and steal toilet paper, and that is valuable, like wiping your ass with a gold bar... Not suggesting anybody out there try it, but if you do... I don't want to know about it.. or see any pictures...

I think that is just about it. I didn't say anything about Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses, I know I know, but this is supposed to be a blogger-safe-place with the hands holding a heart see-

Okay so I guess that is an epic fail because it looks like someone is grabbing this silhouette of someone from behind... Safe places are not safe anymore! Not to mention what is that SM in the corner.... Not sure I care to know....

Signs are like....

Today is Thursday. And I wanted to write about things I hate or dislike again... However it just isn't going to happen as I am having a great day, great week for that matter. So I am going to sit here and tell you all about things you don't care about and somehow make you care about them.

Tomorrow I am going to Barnes and Noble to buy a book. Oh yes I know my life is exciting right there, oooo a book you say. Well it's the third book in the series and if they don't have it, I will throw a tissy fit.. RIGHT THERE in the store... Can I plead temporary insanity? Maybe temporary Multiple Personality Disorder? Maybe not. But since we all know I am a mature grown young adult or whatever I am, I will not being throwing a tantrum. I might throw stuff but that's only because it excites me, to an extent.

Also today is dumb picture day! Take a look:

This sign can say many things a reader.
"Lookout my front tire escaped and you shouldn't walk there"
"Only cars without front end may not enter"
"Do nothing in the backseat here"

"Cheerio on road, lookout"

Signs.. can't live with em. Can't make sense of em... Typical. Welcome to Idaho!

2 important lifes lessons

I sense a disturbance in the force... oh wait nevermind it's just lunch time. Or it's cold outside. One of the two.

It is Fall. I guess. By the feel of things people would think it's winter just without the snow. (I know I know that sounds dumb, winter without snow, thats like a cat without fur) The leaves are... rocketing to the ground without even changing colors. Who knew this falls color clothing line up was green?

Swine flu briskly infecting the population with it's not kosher-ness.

Farmers crops dead and withered, famers also going in the same manner.

The sprinkling systems have all been... winterized, cept the 3 places I saw this morning. Grass frozen in a crystally dew, trees and fences covered with ice, sprinklers happily dancing around tshht tshht tshht. I don't think thats a good thing.

Library aide found frozen to light pole because he thought what the hell I should lick this. Okay not so much but the thought had occured to me as a form of getting out of this frozen wasteland haha. What a way to go... as a library-cicle. Now comes in many flavors including Cherry, Grape, Raspberry cinnamon and old book! Those last two are real sellers.

So that is life lesson number one. Hate the cold? Live in Idaho? Too damn bad suck it up and deal with it. Life lesson number 2. Don't leave your stuff in the library.

I don't leave from behind my desk.
Unless any of the following require me to:
Bathroom ("run down the hall")
Food, the microwave is in the back room, I want to bring it up here then I would never leave!Patron needing something.... even then I try my best to hide behind my computer "I'm not here, nobody here, go away!"
The building is on fire
There is snake under the desk... or "theres a snake in my boot"... actually I don't wear boots so that one is out.
I hear something that sounds like a mouse squeaking
I hear a phone ring... in which if I dislike the patron I will scowl at, but if I like the person then chances are I will make fun of them.
when I leave to go home, or cause trouble next door.

Those are the only reasons I leave my desk... I will have not found your flash drive, small puppy, wallet, small child, laptop, briefcase, seat cushion, coat, slippers.... That I leave up the patrons to tell me they found.

However I do think I would notice if someone tried to steal another patron,
Me: "what's in that bag?"
Them: "Oh nothing, nothing just some laundry and... ya know.. stuff"
Me: "Right..... you must be the one who has stolen all my socks from the dyer over a lifetime."

That my friends is life lesson number 2. You may leave your stuff with me, you may set it near me, and I will watch it.. (unless its a child, those I don't do.) but if you leave it here and I am sitting here behind this computer... chances are I am facebooking and not paying ANY ATTENTION whatsoever.

Global Warming.... blanket

I live in Idaho. It's cold. Only about 36 degrees here. It's only October! OCTOBER. This is why people don't Trick or Treat house to house anymore, because if they did their children would get lost in the 3 feet of snow. That and I live on snob hill and nobody wants to drive up the slippery slope... or is it that we don't give out candy anymore..... I think it's that one. Although some T or T'ers get a little angry and threaten to bring in the SWAT team and take out the door. SURPRISE... We have rice cakes? Want some? Or maybe an empty diet coke can. Alas maybe tomorrow I will make a snow man. Or snow something or other.

This weekend I got a flat tire. This happens about once a year. It's like my birthday only lots more less fun. I don't know how to change a tire, and someone jacked my jack, and I don't have a tire iron. Is a tire iron to keep the wrinkles out? Does Jack get hungry sitting in my trunk? Flat tires are F-U-N! Yes, you now have to say "fun" F dashy thingy U dashy doodad N exclamation point. If you don't.... well.... It's late I can't actually think of anything that would hunt anybody down. I am too lazy to hire someone or something. Plus how would I know if you violated my new rule? I'm like a mom, I have eyes and ears EVERYWHERE.

Has that ever really creep-ed you out when your mom or someone close has done that? "Taylor, don't do that." "Taylor stop it." It gets to the point where you are doing something right and want them to see it but they don't. It's like a LONG blink. They are just blinking when you're doing something good, and just happen to be not blinking when you are doing something bad. Like they only blink once and awhile because it's such a long blink it just kinda makes up for all the lost blinks. Wow this traveled a lot farther than I had thought. Maybe it's my new bleached hair. The blond is leaking into my brain... oh wait.. what brain? Can you lose something you never had?

Things I hate or otherwise strongly dislike Thursday

Well now I decided to start my Thursday things I hate or strongly dislike blog. Seeming as I have no patrons, my ramen has been eaten and I still have 49 mins to kill before I can go home. So lets start!


Things I hate or strongly dislike


*The ache in your butt pocket when you sit on your wallet for extended periods of time, it hurts my friends, it really does.

*Thinking I am alone in the library and dancing when in fact I am not alone and there is someone there, watching... waiting... listening... probably passing gas.

*When people drive too slowly. I like to go fast, cars were meant to go faster than walkers. In theory.

*Automatic flushing toilets, sure they keep the facilities clean but honestly I think I had a heart attack because I wasn't expecting it to flush right then.

*Eating where people can see me, because they will watch at I dribble some food down my chin or whatever. And it gets caught in my beard and then I am forced to say, "Well it tasted a little funny but my beard liked it!"

*People who can't take a joke. I work in a LIBRARY... I CRAVE social interaction. And I like to be funny and bull shit with my patrons and stuff. Some people take me all too seriously and then I feel like beating them with something big and block like, hey a book!

*Emails that say "You can make 1,000,12354,6385496546 dollars in a day!" Because I want more money, I am a librarian and a broke college student... umm... yeah... a bajillion dollars does sound fun, where can I sign up and give you my credit card number and social! Oh yes lets just give my identity to someone else! YAY!

*People who diet. "Oh I can't eat that, that's got CALORIES"... its got like 6 big deal, I would rather be fat and eat whatever than be skinny and watch like a hawk circling its prey, is it dead yet? Is it reduced fat yet? Is it a 100 calorie pack yet?

*Chairs that make noise when people move in them. The people who don't fidget, they don't sit in those chairs no... the people who wiggle like a worm sit in the squeaky chair and make noise. Got some WD40 I think your butt cheek has a squeak, oh never mind that's just the chair.

*Fun sized candy. ITS NOT FUN TO SPEND AN HOUR PEELING OUT SUCH A SMALL THING OF CHOCOLATE! might as well get the king sized and have it peeled and eaten in less than a minute. Which reminds me I have stuff in the fridge to take home.

Well I think that's all I want to hate or strongly dislike today. I don't wanna have to do much more typing and now I have to wash my dishes count the change and thing up something else fun to do... Maybe I will make a life size Washington monument out of books and stuff, that sounds fun! Although we may not have enough books... not like we have books here... but that's another story.

Have you ever?

have you ever had one of those days where your day could have ended up better if it involved oh say winning the lottery or something to do with tassles? Lets just fantasize for a minute about winning the lottery. I am sure all you would still be my friends... right? Oh look is that tomato soup splatter from Saturday on my desk? Wow thats interesting.

I quickly ended that fantasy because I was getting sad that I am broke college student. Also I have to re arrange the tables in the library because my boss is bored with the current configuration. I can't because some guy decided to plop down right in the table I was going to move. Kim said I should start table top dancing and now we have moved on to pole dancing classes. I am pretty sure I would make an interesting pole dancer. Kind of like a chubby tarzan, look out for that... oh is that a donut? Whilst I crash into the floor because I can't hang upsidedown and think of food. In theory. Or like an airplane sailing out of the sky to crash land.. oh I think you get the picture.

Maybe I shouldn't leave the tables all helter skelter like that. Nobody is using them. Not that they can, all the chairs have been pulled out and moved all over the library. Re-arranging crap is fun! Not as fun as not doing what I am supposed to do but almost equally so.

Today is harass the partons day about how they are going someplace else to get FREE printing. Then they come back and print and give you money, weird. Didn't we just cover this? Didn't you just say you were leaving to go print for free? I don't give a damn either way but still I may laugh at you. In fact I just did. HAHAHA.. oh crud now I have to count that .40 cents he gave me. Can we not do this game anymore? I would rather not play this game anymore because when you give me money that means I get to count it. And I have 70 pennies today. I took her money, her money is good here, but it was all in pennies.... lots of pennies... have I said LOTS AND LOTS of pennies yet? I think you get the picture. Not to mention they were lukewarm when she gave them to me. POCKET BUTT WARM PENNIES EWWWW....

Oh look at my pretty helterskelter tables and how nobody can use them.. Maybe I can use this as a patron detterant device. I was going to eat one of them and then let word get out but this may be simpler. As I don't know any recipies that have a good human section. In fact I think I may just throw up the soup I just ate... In fact I might throw up more than just my soup... yuck... I just made myself sick.. I didn't think that one was possible. Well time to go... do less work! YAY

insert clever title for blog here

I couldn't think of a good title for this blog, as I have no idea what in the word I am even going to talk about in it. As nothing really serious has happened in the past week or so. I was going to write a blog called "things I hate Thursday" Now that was all fine and good whilst I was in class and grumpy but once I got out and stuff I felt too happy to write a blog about things I hate. Seeming as there is not much for me to hate it would have been a small blog anyways.
Have you ever wondered how they get the cream filling in a twinkie? What are twinkies called when the filling is not in them. I would name them yellow-sponge-cake-of-death-without-filling. Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns? Things I don't care about? GOOD!

When i get old I am going to form an entire retirement home to those of us "crazy cat people". I can see it now. Cats coming out of every corner, lots of food bits scattered around. Ernies dead corpse being slowly eaten by his pet cats "Barfo" and "Steve". Cats are vicious if you don't give them enough attention. I would know.

I really don't think there is anything else going on. I lead such an exciting life. Almost too exciting. I mean hello I puzzle till 10 and then go to bed how much more exciting can you get?!!?!?! I ask you. But anyways.

There are people here in library land. Not the usual Saturday crowd. Where is Kelly? He always comes in and makes sure that we have pleanty of... erm... paranoid news tabloids that people shouldn't read but do. Last week it was don't get the flu shot because they are going to implant a microchip into you which allows them to track you. Is that why I always get a little sick after getting my flu shot? The government can see my eyes "HI MOM". I don't think they would find my life real exciting either.

Today I have a nice teacher lady and her husband. She teaches spanish? or english to children who don't know one or the other I'm not really sure. And her husband does stuff here. What I don't know but hey I am not nosey.... HA.... Other than that it's dead here. Like Cher. Minus the nose job and the reincarnations that keep happening.

Seriously people they are paying me to write this thing. Oh look another .00000001 of a cent in my bank account. I don't get paid well but I get paid. Like a hooker, not paid well but gets paid, not including the visit to the hospital for routine blood work. Oh wait, hookers don't do that stuff either, the phrase "hook line and sinker" just came to mind. Sounds like something I would throw into the Snake River and hope it sunk? I don't actually know what that phrase means.

I think I need a chinese muppet

Today must be patrons that annoy the staff day. WE LOVE PEOPLE.. that don't annoy us and leave us alone. Typically most people do a fairly good job at the patron loving game and aren't usually a hassle, but today, oh today... Candy man is sitting reading his paper. This poor old man is hard to understand and he likes to get into deep conversations when you are: A. Trying to eat. B. Trying to help someone. and C. Doing your job. This man is lonely and just wants someone to talk to but his timing is less than great.

Then to add to the pot of cold stew here in libraryland our most commonly talk about least favorite student and wife in classes shows up. Becoming least favorite student. And wife. Go fourth and create young spawns that will... well... annoy the socks off a panther I don't know. This guy is hard to understand because he is from South America, Cape something or other, I am surprised I don't know everything about this man. And wife. His wife is overly cheery and happy with this man who I want to stick a steak kni.... I mean give hugs and rainbows to. They are LDS and words like "potty mouth" and "he said GOSH but the OTHER word" generally make me giggle because we are not in kindergarten anymore this is college. The prof is going to say things like going to hell in a hand basket during a lecture. (taken from SOC 101 lecture) And you signed up for it... want to drop it? You should. And wife.

Now I have only been on the clock for a hour and a half and I have managed to deal with more patrons that I can't stand than I have had to all week. Which brings me to my conclusion thank god tomorrow is Friday and I only have to deal with the people for one more day. Can we hope they are semi-normal? And wife. Can I watch the "Muppet's Christmas Carol" in the backroom and not see any appointments? Oh I fear I cannot because I know I have advising appointments tomorrow.

At least I won't have to dust my office again, that was hard work cleaning an office I share with 3 other people. And dozens of peers before me, who left their junk in the office because they don't think it's important. And wife. Yeesh. Peer advising is LIFE people get with the program! Okay maybe not so much for you or the person after you but it's good to know what you want to do with your life. And wife. Be it grocery bagging, paint chip eating, or counseling.

Speaking of which tomorrow we need the Student Services office to do the "shopping cart" and the "sprinkler".

Windex and shine and whatnot! And wife.

Is that a mouse or a chicken caught in your copy machine?

Our copier has started to make a high pitched squealing when people make copies, annoying for those of us who are here for 12 hours, luckily only 4 of those hours are stuck chained to the chair.. oh I mean working. So I am thinking there could be either a dead wet fish in our copier, a mouse stuck on a roller-do-boble, or a chicken passing gas. Does gass have 2 s's or just one? Or a half, someone figure it out fast.

Oh oh oh Today my ad over in the corner says I can join a Fight Club Workout! How does this know I am a little pudgy? Can they see me? *waves to facebook spy people* No thanks tho I am fine the way that I am, I don't mind. Plus fighting not really my thing, in fact I don't like fighting haha.

This is me NOT doing my History of Dance homework, not like she can see me, the class is online. All my classes are online cept one... ssssoooo in all essence this is me not doing ANY of my homework from ANY of my online courses! Woo! Not like it's a fair ride, or a cake walk.

Why do people call it a cake walk? What a waste of a good cake eh? Although I wonder which cake is better for walking? Sponge? Lemon? Devils food? Hmmmmmm..... Now I want cake...

Off to go find something more... well... more... procrastiation-y or something along those lines... maybe get something done... NAH

Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my.... and a giraffe

I haven't slept in a week, I was very proud last night.. well... Thursday night I got maybe 4-5 hours? Other than that it's been pretty rough... tonight.. no exception. NyQuil please? I feel like a bus plane train and zoo ran me over, im beginning to think that traveling zoos are a bad idea, because walrus's's's don't like to travel much. Don't blame them, it's like moving to a new home every week! (yes I know walrusi is plural but walrus's's's sounds cooler)

Now I am wondering what a bus-plane-train-zoo hybrid would look like. Kinda scary, not something I would visit, I don't like heights, or much else for that matter so lets just think about forgetting that shall we? Not to mention I am now multitasking, like a wheat thin, its a healthy cracker, but when eaten in large doses could cause one to have to "run down the hall" a lot. I would imagine it would look and feel like a 10 car pile up with a bus-plane-train-zoo hybrid at the end.

Somehow I got lost and wandered down a deep dark alley in which my mind should NEVER go. Because some of my readers are sensitive. eHow articles and Yahoo Answers are amazing resources you can find any answer to almost any question.

I have too many songs running through my head I feel like a radio station gone haywire and all the music plays at once. It isn't fun believe me. Maybe in all this spare time that has somehow popped into my life I could design my hybrid zoo-boat-train-plane- bus. If only I could quit the waterworks coming from my eyes I might be able to do it.
What would it run on? Ramen! Lord knows it's what I function on that and sugar doughnuts
What would it travel on? CONVERTIBLE. We could have the top down, oh back on task.. umm.. Mostly fly I would guess but some train... erm... train-y traveling would be nice too, we could FLY down the tracks... there we go

I think I can smell my bodily smells, time for.. well bed.. but that doesn't solve my problem now does it.

Life is a two way road, you can't be the only one to travel down it, things have to have reciprocity. I just came up with that so there, eat my stinky socks.. speaking of which... I need to do a load of whites so i don't have to reuse socks again... Maybe Sunday

Things I would rather be doing, for $400 please

Today marks the day... We are back in school... Also... Are we done yet?

I decided to do a little trade today. I was in a French class and found out I don't really need it to get my BS over at BSU so I dropped it and replaced it with two Health Education classes, exciting! Why waste 2 full semesters of French when I don't even need it! I am glad the idea came to me. Not to mention everything here is mess, a literal disaster. People with no classes. People with classes that aren't coming here. Can anybody say tropical storm?

So here I am... at the library... thinking that those last skittles were a terrible idea and how I should have eaten dinner instead of skilttles.. haha.. typical. I don't have anything real coherent to talk about right now.. Just thought I would blog for a minute to pass the time, while avoiding doing oodles of nothing and stuff. Nothing and stuff is a difficult job. Keeping this chair from running away is a tough job but someone has got to do it.

Hey.. Creepy hallway guy just came in here. He was sitting in the hallway outside the bathrooms for like an hour and now he is in here lurking... I need a people stick so I can legally beat people... "You there, be less creepy" THWACK. Library staff with weapons how... novel... Okay he keeps looking at me... Maybe he is stalking me... Weird... Maybe if I hunker down in my chair and hide behind my screen and sip me soup he will think I am gone. Their sight is based on movements right? Well anyways of to go do more nothing and stuff!

Windex leaves a streak free nothing and stuff

Trumpets! Now cue the french horn! And now...

I feel I should get a standing ovation or a banner that says "welcome back" or maybe a party hat how about a little kazoo? Is this all asking too much for my first REAL day back at work for the semester? I guess I shouldn't expect anything. What was I thinking? *kicks self in shin*

You know I should get something for just showing up for work in today's times. The song "Birthday Sex" by Jeremih (Who in the world names their poor child something like that? HONESTLY how do you even say that! Jerry-meeh?) Anyways the song "Birthday Sex" is number 19 on the billboard charts... it's been ON THE CHART for 18 weeks and it reached number 4!!!! I guess it's like a circle of life or something because the way I see it you were BIRTHED on your birthday so that means sex... and I guess people want it on their birthdays? (I would rather have a Lexus or possibly a pony, got a carrot?) I just wanted to rant about today's youth and how they can be so corrupt.. and they sing in their showers "Birthday sex.. I want.. Birthday sex" I'm not sure how the song goes but I can only imagine how that ones going to end... Maybe with another birthday what 9 months later? This dude Jeremih probably didn't even write his own lyrics or make any of the instrumental music on his album... Does he know what he is even saying or promoting?!

Don't get me started on those Jonas Brothers... Or Hannah Montana AKA Miley Cirus DUN DUN DUN!!!! *Climatic pulling off of blond wig and oodles of kids bursting into tears because Miley and Hannah are the same person* Maybe she is part of a government conspiracy. Note to self: Check Miley AKA Hannah's background.

People just don't get it, they won't get it. Not till it hits them in the face with a small dog attached. They are all the rave nowadays, haven't you seen them at the mall? They come IN the purse already, I mean they are surgically altered INTO the purse, "no need to remove because you can't! Just make sure you give it food occasionally and possibly some water, but don't get the purse part wet because it's a Gucci!" Sometimes I don't even understand.

And never forget! Windex leaves a streak free shine